Letters To A Natalist World: When Is It OK To Drag An Infant To A Movie Theater?

So, I do believe that everyone has heard about the tragic shooting in a Colorado movie theater at a midnight showing of the new Batman movie. The question on everyone’s lips is, “what the fuck were those parents thinking bringing their infant to the show?” (Nothing at all, would be my guess.) It’s not that anyone blames the parents for the child being injured in the shooting. We’re just amazed that the baby was there to be injured in the first place as it clearly didn’t belong there. It’s like hearing of an infant being injured in a fire at a strip club.

I’ve had my share of movies ruined by inconsiderate “parents” who drag their infants and young children into movie theaters, those young ones which then proceed to shriek through the whole show. Amazingly, such inept parents even drag kids out to R-rated movies and late shows (not that I appreciated my afternoon showing of Pixar’s Brave being ruined either.)Even if the baby is quiet (and a parent is kidding themselves if they think it will be) it isn’t going to be watching the move so there’s really no reason to bring it. And yet the babies are at shows anyway. The explanation seems simple, lazy, entitlement-minded, selfish, inconsiderate parents.

Of course, parents in such a category are quick to come up with excuses for their unacceptable behavior, even going so far as to seriously suggest that a baby will sleep peacefully through a loud action movie, as if anyone who reads such a ridiculous thing is so unfamiliar with babies that they’d actually buy that bullshit. Then those parents will wail that it’s so haaard to get a babysitter, as if that should be everyone else’s problem. (By the way, I’m amazed that these same parents who seriously insist that their infant will sleep quietly through a loud movie are the same people who will complain about their babies keeping them up at night to gain sympathy.)

Well, as a childfree person, I feel I can give good advice on parenting (I know enough about parenting to know better than to breed.) So, to all the oblivious “parents” out there who really think their little pweshus simply MUST see the new SAW movie, I’ve created a handy list here to clear up some confusion. 

When is it OK to drag an infant to a movie theater?

  1. NEVER!

Ok, ok…

  1. When you’ve stuffed the baby’s gob so full of Ambien that it will be practically in a coma for the day

  2. When you’ve rented out the theater for that showing and are the only people there

  3. When you’ve bound and gagged the baby so it can’t bother anyone

  4. When it’s an infant who was born without hands or vocal cords

  5. When it’s not a baby, but one of those creepy Reborn dolls

  6. When the theater management completely loses their minds, and sets aside special showings specifically for the purpose of being ruined by babies

  7. When there’s a severe zombie outbreak and the theater happens to be the most convenient hide-out

  8. When it’s just a home theater in your living room

  9. When you’ve encased the baby in a sound-proof and smell-proof bubble

  10. When you’re prepared to personally refund every last person in the audience their full ticket price, should your baby make a peep

And don’t forget to pay a full-price ticket for the baby, spray the stench-sack down with Fabreze, and either carry it in your lap or shove it under the chair so it doesn’t take up seats.

Posted on 2012/07/27, in childfree, Humor, Parenting Fails and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. On two separate occasion I’ve gotten into it with inconsiderate assholes who brought their little noise-makers into the theater. The first, coincidentally, was at Batman Begins back in 2005. I’d paid $8 for my movie ticket, as had the two other friends I’d come with. Some asshole and her husband brought a breast-feeding infant into the theater, and within minutes of the beginning of the actual film, the brat started screaming. I was about to say something but then it quieted down. But then, not 20 minutes later, the little fucker started up again and this time the parents did NOTHING to stop it. They completely ignored the screaming beast and continued watching the film. After what must have been 5 full minutes, I stood up, walked up to them, and very loudly stated that they were pissing everybody off and that they should get the fuck out of the theater. There was some arguing from the husband, who whined that they couldn’t find a sitter last minutes, to which I responded with “Well you should have waited then!” They both left in a hurry, and the moment they walked up the aisle to leave, the people in the theater applauded me, lol. No joke! It was awesome. I think the second time was during “Thank you for smoking” which more or less went the same. And I’ll do it again, too. Because these people can go to hell.

  2. WTF is it with the entitlement of breeders these days? When I was growing up if we couldn’t behave appropriately we didn’t go out in public. Nowadays people are expected to tolerate the most abhorrent behavior of children (since parents apparently don’t feel the need to discipline the little tyrants or keep them home when they’re unable to act like human beings rather than zoo animals) or be labeled “child-haters”.

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