Tranquilizer Guns, A Childfree Fantasy
This ad made me giggle like a maniac.
I found it on the page of a childfree discussion board, which is what made it stand out. Um, talk about wrong demographic. Fussy babies that won’t go to sleep are not a problem that childfree people have to deal with, normally. But no matter, I’m sure it wasn’t intentional.
What made me laugh was how ridiculously vague the ad itself was. It just advertises that the baby will be asleep in 20 seconds (which is an absurd claim as it is) but doesn’t give you any hint as to how. Being a fucked up individual, I started making up my own ideas.
I remember when I was in the Army, our combatives instructor showed us a few blood choke techniques that put people out pretty fast. Hey, I admitted to being a fucked up individual, didn’t I? Nah, it couldn’t be that.
Maybe it was sleep meds. That would be believable, considering how eager modern parents are to medicate their children to manage their behavior, rather than actually putting fourth any effort to raise them properly. So why couldn’t it be sleep meds?
Or, better yet, maybe it was a tranquilizer gun? OH! Then it wouldn’t seem so out of place on a childfree site, at least. I know I’d buy one. A tranq gun would make my next trip to Denny’s so much more pleasant. Hell, if I could get one fitted with a scope I could enforce “nap time” on the greenery in front of my house and actually enjoy quiet afternoons.
Excited about the possibility of a baby tranq gun, I clicked the link. See, this is why I shouldn’t let my imagination run wild, my fantasies always set me up for disappointment. It turns out it’s just a book and a soundtrack.
I really shouldn’t have to write this here, but some people really do take things way to seriously. THIS IS A JOKE! I DON’T ACTUALLY WANT TO SNIPE KIDS WITH A TRANQ GUN FROM MY BEDROOM WINDOW, OR FROM MY SEAT IN RESTAURANTS.
Ok, well, maybe I do want to… sometimes… a little.