No Offense
I’m not always nice. (Who is?) Oh, I have manners. But I can also be very blunt about what I think. While visiting a friend recently, I described myself as a very polite bitch. I don’t go out of my way to offend people or groups without provocation, but I don’t refrain from saying what I think about things just to avoid possibly offending someone.
Recently, a visitor to my blog who I thought was OK at first, got pissed off at a blog post of mine. I do think that she was acting irrationally, and don’t think that her criticisms have any merit at all, but it did get me to thinking about my writings about being childfree. This visitor, you see, wasn’t the first person to think that what I wrote about my life is offensive to parents in general and mothers specifically.
I certainly don’t mean to offend mothers. Why would I? I have a mother. Some of my friends are mothers. Most women I have ever met are or will be mothers. And I’m pro-choice. What reason have I got to be deliberately offend mothers in general? None. So I don’t.
So I’ve always been baffled by this accusation before, but now I think that I’m starting to get it, just a little bit. Oh, I still don’t think that the criticism that me talking about being childfree is offensive to parents has any validity at all. But I do get where that perception comes from.
When I talk about childfreedom, I’m also necessarily talking about parenthood. Specifically, I explain that I would never want to be a parent. I talk about how being a parent would put me at a disadvantage and how I am better off rejecting the lifestyle. How can I talk about being childfree without talking about my reasons for dismissing the only alternative, especially as it is the alternative that society expects me to live?
Yes, I am blunt. I say that children are a huge financial burden. That having kids can negatively affect education and career opportunities. That having kids can complicate relationships. That children, being children and all, can be very irritating. That children take a lot of time and effort to raise properly. That pregnancy and giving birth have lasting affects on a woman’s body. I don’t think that any parent would be criticized for saying such things – as they’re all true statements. But since I also say that I have no desire to raise kids, that the Kodak moments wouldn’t make it all worth it for me, suddenly this, and all preceding statements, are offensive.
I don’t really see any way around it. At least not any way around it that any honest or confident person could take. I’ve seen other childfree people say things like “I couldn’t be a parent, I’m too selfish,” or “I don’t have what it takes to be a mom.” I’ve also seen CF people feel the need to say things like “I’m childfree, but I like kids,” as if being childfree should really mean that they wouldn’t.
These defensive statements are worded in a way as to be complimenting parents, and self-deprecatory of childfree people. I can see why people do it, to “soften the blow” so to speak. But what good does it do to make childfreedom seem more palatable by making it a “less than” sort of lifestyle? It’s dishonest and counterproductive, for one thing. But also it doesn’t seem to be effective as the only responses I ever see are along the lines of “Nonsense! You’d be a great mom!” As if I was just saying that to fish for encouragement.
You know what? The only reason I wouldn’t make a great mom is because I don’t want kids. If I did, I would “have what it takes.” I also don’t dislike kids in general (although I certainly don’t like all kids either,) and I reject any notion that I’m any more or less selfish than the average person. But you know what? I don’t feel any need to say any of this when I talk about being childfree. I don’t need to make being childfree seem less threatening by sucking up or acting apologetic. And I certainly don’t need to make being childfree seem any better by lying about why I actually choose to live this way.
Again, in order to explain why I’m childfree, I must explain why I don’t want to have children – since being childfree means deciding to never have children. This means addressing the ways that having children would negatively affect my life. Hell, having kids would ruin my life. I certainly wouldn’t be able to continue to live as I do now.
So I will write about my inability to be genuinely happy when someone announces their pregnancy although I will still give the obligatory “congratulations,” and can only manage to be happy that they’re happy. Yes, I will talk about the dream I had in which I was a parent of an infant and was miserable for it, and contrast my feelings about parenthood with those that are more common or more expected. And I will mention the effects that pregnancy would have on my body, and how it’s something I simply want no part of. I’ll even talk about the major overpopulation crisis endangering the whole planet; the bad economy and how children are increasingly becoming unaffordable, not only for their own costs, but how having them can reduce a person’s earning potential; and the sort of non-parenting by people with kids that results in restaurants imposing age restrictions to protect their businesses from the uncontrolled brats who make all kids, even the well-behaved ones, look bad.
I don’t get offended when mommy-bloggers talk about how much they love their kids, or how happy they are as parents, or how magical they think their birth experience was. As long as they aren’t adding in any bingos, shots at childfree people in general as they do so. (Things like, “you can’t know RealLove TM until you’re a mom,” or, “I changed my mind about having kids, and so will you, CF person!”) So don’t get offended when I talk about how much I prefer to live childfree (and on a childfree blog, too,) or when I mention demonstrable truths like the population now being over seven billion.
And if you can’t manage that, as I’ve said before, it’s a big internet.
Don’t hate me because I’m childfree.
Edited to add:
I can’t believe I neglected to add this before, but I think it’s important to say. Some people even manage to be offended by the term “childfree.” In short, these people are not only unable to see our decision to not have kids as a good thing, but don’t seem to think that we should think or speak of our decision not to have children as a good thing for us either. They are offended, even when we make no mention of parenting whatsoever, that not being parents can be talked about in a positive way.
Truthfully, most parents and people who want to be parents that I’ve ever spoken too support the right to be childfree and respect that decision and don’t feel threatened by the mere existence of childfree people. It seems to me that, in mainstream society, such people who can be offended by talking about childfree people are only among an irritating minority. I hope.
Posted on 2011/11/06, in childfree, Diary, Prochoice and tagged birth control, childfree, feminism, feminist, kids, pro-choice, prochoice, sterilization, tubal, tubal ligation, understanding, women. Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.
I’ve actually faced many of the same criticisms as the mom of only one – who plans on keeping it that way. I’m called selfish, unmaternal, unfeminine, “bulldyke” – any number of words to try to take away from my very real observations on my life. I am poor, disabled and have limited patience. None of those make me a bad person or a bad mother, but I recognize that I couldn’t be a GREAT mother to more than one child, and that’s my goal.
But ya know, it’s a “selfish” goal :p
Yeah, that’s a good point. I didn’t think of that at the time that I wrote this. I doubt any of those people who criticize you would donate their time or money to take care of any hypothetical additional children, as I’m comfortable betting they don’t even help you with the one that you do have.
I’m always amazed that not having kids (or not having #2, #3, #4 and so on) can be called “selfish.” Who is being deprived? How can I owe anything to someone who doesn’t even exist?
You know what’s selfish? Demanding that other people live their lives in a way so as to make the accuser feel more comfortable about their estimation of the value and role of women. Fuck those misogynists.
At the risk of oversimplifying, why is a mommy who is so easily butthurt reading a CF blog anyway? Sounds like she was just looking for a fight.
I’ve also used those blow-softening reasons when people have asked me why I don’t want kids. My excuse (for using them) has always been that it just makes people shut up sooner about a subject that’s none of their biz, anyway.
One of the best thing about being in my mid-forties is that my peers all have older kids by now. Not even one of them has tried to convince me that I’ve missed out on anything good. They’re all exhausted, broke and up-to-their-necks in teenage drama.
I talk about more than just being childfree here, but occasionally touch on other things too. Humanist topics, particularly those related to reproductive rights; the Colorado outdoors; and my dog.
What brought the last angry person to my blog was a post that I wrote about my tubal ligation. She was planning to have one after delivering her last kid and was looking for stories and found mine, evidently. Oh, she liked me then, until she kept reading my blog and discovered that I was childfree and therefore had a lot of things to say about the prospect of being a parent – that it’s something I didn’t want. All of a sudden I was very offensive and she left in a huff, even writing a comment just to tell me she wouldn’t be reading anymore. This all happened over the course of a night so it’s not like I wrote one bad post and lost a long-time reader or anything.
Before that, some random person found a post where I wrote about a dream that I had in which I had a baby and was not happy about it. I wrote my dream to contrast my feelings against those that are more common in women, or at least are presented as so. The “you never know true love until you have kids,” “you’ll love them when they’re here,” kind of thing. Well, in my dream I was as miserable as I’d be if it was real. This one person attacked me for this post, saying that I was insulting women…. somehow…. and went on to write a post full of assorted lies about me.
I swear, some people are just desperate to be offended, no matter how far they have to reach.
I think someone’s more likely to take offense where there is none to be found if a subject hits close to home in some way. I think my mom was jealous of and resented other professional women who were childfree. And since I don’t think she had many childfree female friends, it’s possible those competitive environments are what she remembers best. But I think if you’re fundamentally unhappy as a mother that’s more likely to sting than if you really do love it.
In other words: Haters be jealous.
“Haters be jealous.”
I think that’s about right. It only seems that it’s the people who are already unhappy who are able to find the happiness of others offensive. I can’t help but find that to be a sad way to live. I mean, it must be exhausting, to have to reach so far for something to be offended about.
Oh, well. It’s best to just sort of ignore that sort of behavior. It’s been my experience that such people are dramaqueens/kings, and would enjoy whatever entertainment a conflict brings. Not that I haven’t fallen into that trap anyway, mind.
All I know is that secure, content individuals aren’t threatened by the idea of other people also being secure and content even while taking different paths in life.
Thank you for this – especially the addendum. I had to leave an online community where I had been a member for years because I referred to myself as childfree, and the moderator decided that she found that term offensive, which resulted in a massive dogpile.
They sound like a bunch of douche bags. Sorry that happened to you.
“I talk about how being a parent would put me at a disadvantage and how I am better off rejecting the lifestyle.” This your statement you sound selfish to me. Being that I saw a comment here that you called someone else selfish.
I’m always amazed at how someone can be accused of being selfish for not harming themselves. I’ve actually already addressed this nonsensical accusation. Am I also selfish for not walking out into traffic, or drinking the cleaning chemicals under my sink, or doing anything else that I know will have bad consequences for me?
I may as well be called selfish for not setting my money on fire, for not cutting my own abdomen open, and for not dumping my garbage in rivers.
Tell me, how am I selfish? Who do I owe who I am denying anything?
I think there is a massive misinterpretation of the word selfish. As I see it, following your own path in life is NOT selfish and you have absolutely every right to reject a certain lifestyle. After all, it’s your life, whose life should you be living if not your own? People who accuse child-free people of being selfish are generally those who believe that being a parent involves a huge amount of sacrifice and putting someone else above yourself. This is true but it is not SELFLESS. People have a choice: to become parents or not to. People who become parents are no more selfless than childfree people, they made this choice and they did so for themselves, not for anyone else. To imply that you are selfish just because you didn’t want this lifestyle is beyond belief in my opinion. You are hurting no one, you are simply doing what is best for you which, frankly, is what people who become parents have also done (it’s just that their choice involves a bit more sacrifice). The judgements targetted at CF people are 100% false. Just as people who have children do not expect to be condemned, CF people do not deserve this kind of maltreatment either. In my opinion, the posters who complained about your previous blog posts have some kind of insecurity about their own choices and, as you said, are easily offended as a result. No one has the right to tell you how to live your life or what will make you happy. Your blog is terrific. x
I too hate when people even on reddit will ask questions about if any of us actually like kids? It’s not that we all hate kids or anything. Stereotyping is dangerous and your post screams why it is.
But point I want to make is that I don’t like children. I don’t, however, feel selfish for not wanting them. But because I don’t like kids, that clearly means I don’t have any interest or ‘what it takes’ to be a mom. We all have pet peeves about how we childfree defend ourselves to parents.
I say we forget trying to defend ourselves and simply live ours lives knowing we have made the right choice for us. These parents sometimes forget that we all have our own lives to live because most all their friends are doing the same as them. But what they should see is that we aren’t trying to criticize their lives because we accept them as parents. I wish parents would accept us as normal people and won’t attack us. I hear all too often how we childfree either defend our stance or keep ourselves from attacking the parents with questions. Not to say we should retort back at their questions with questions. But wouldn’t it be nice if everyone just accepted that they shouldn’t put their noses in other’s business?
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