Countdown To Tubal: Top 10 Reasons Dogs Are Better Than Kids
13 days left before my tubal ligation!
Apparently, to some people, I can’t be pro-dog without being anti-child. If you take this list seriously enough to be offended, you probably deserve it.
10. Having a dog won’t ruin your career, education, finances, or life. Dogs don’t cost nearly as much money in their lifetime as a kid does in a year, as their requirements are minimal by comparison. Furthermore, dogs will never demand an allowance or a college fund. Dogs don’t demand your every waking moment of your time and attention so it’s still entirely possible to pursue and education and career and a personal life without feeling guilty. If having a dog doesn’t work out, you can give it away to a better home with minimal trouble and no one will think that you’re a bad person for it. Dogs don’t demand their own room. Dogs don’t demand candy and toys at supermarkets and throw tantrums when they don’t get their way. Dogs will never scream “I hate you!” or “I wish I was never born!” as they slam their door repeatedly if I don’t buy them the newest expensive gadget or trendy, barely-there clothing.
9. Dogs will never ask to be dropped off a block away from anywhere you take them because they don’t want to be seen with you, won’t be embarrassed by public affection, nor will they ever call you old or un-cool, or come home past curfew with tattoos, piercings, and a mohawk just to fit in with the cool dogs.
8. You can go out on spontaneous and romantic evenings with your partner without having to bring your dog along or arrange for a sitter. In fact, dogs won’t require a babysitter at all unless they’re very young, very old, sick, or would otherwise be alone for an extended period of time. Dogs don’t throw parties while they’re home alone either.
7. Dogs won’t beat up other dogs for their lunch money, steal from your wallet, develop drug or alcohol problems, get into gangs, vandalize the town with toilet paper or graffiti, and dogs will never need to be bailed out of jail.
6. Dogs won’t get upset when you change the channel on your own TV, won’t download porn or illegal music to your computer and infect it with viruses, and won’t pretend to be scarred for life if they wander into your bedroom at an inopportune time. Your home will remain your own.
5. Dogs will never ask for the keys to your car, wreck your car, steal your car, get tickets in your car, or get DUIs in your car, thus having a dog won’t inflate your car insurance payments.
4. Dogs don’t usually need diapers and are easier to housebreak than kids are to potty train. Their accidents are usually easier to clean up too.
3. Dogs will be perfectly happy on a camping trip without modern conveniences like TV or internet and won’t complain about whatever you serve them for dinner as long as there is dinner.
2. Getting a dog won’t contribute to human over-population, which is already at dangerous levels. Best of all, as long as you pick up after your pooch, dogs are green!
And finally, my favorite reason I’d rather have a dog than a kid…
1. Having a dog won’t ruin a woman’s body. No stretch marks, no ruined privates, no persistent weight gain, and none of the health risks, sickness, pain, or cost that comes with human pregnancy.
One thing that didn’t make my list: Dogs are cuter, just look at little Chewie.